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Men and women are attracted to each another because they are made that way—this is not an attraction that needs to be learned! What we do need to learn in our post-Eden world is how to channel our desires in a productive and wholesome way. In order to experience romantic love as it was intended to be—as God intended it to be—moving away from sin and towards God is a move in the right direction. Since God created sex, romance, and love, His advice to us is worth heeding. His prescription for all broken relationships in this fallen world can be summarized in the words “unconditional love.”

But does the commandment to “love your neighbor” apply to the realm of dating? Or would that be reading too much into this commandment? Jesus was once asked by an expert in the law to define who his neighbor was (Luke 10:29b). Jesus responded with the Parable of the Good Samaritan, who was an unexpected friend to someone who had fallen victim to robbers. Tellingly, Luke records that the expert in the law asked Jesus this question in order to justify himself (Luke 10:29a). So it is with human nature. Left to our own devices, we avoid loving people unless it suits our purposes. Jesus, however, did not embrace a narrow understanding of the word “neighbor” but rather a broad one. In fact, he went so far as to say that we should love our enemies (Matthew 5:44, Luke 6:27)—how much more, then, should we love those we call our lovers? Regardless of whether we care to accept it, there is no exception to the Golden Rule when romance is involved.

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Even when our actions are right, and outwardly we are ladies and gentlemen, inside we are likely preoccupied, not with something we can give but rather with something we want: a significant other, a relationship, or a marriage partner. So we feel tension, because on the outside we are one thing, but on the inside we are something else. In effect, we are shopping around, looking at the “produce” and asking ourselves:  “Does it measure up to what I want?”  Little or no time is spent reflecting on the questions:  “What can I offer my friends and the world?” and “How can I be a more loving person?”

Essentially, the dominant dating culture offers us a consumer-based approach to relationships. We shop around for relationships in what has been called a “meet market,” with one eye on what we want and the other on what we think we can realistically get: A “good match” between two people is thought to take place when their relative worth on the social totem pole matches and each one gets something desired. As with any consumer item, however, the relationship (and thus the person) is considered disposable. All of this occurs because of an environment in which friendship is devalued and selfishness is dominant. Accordingly, we are likely to approach the subject of dating with unease. Is this really the best way to form and nurture relationships?

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The gap between what we want (a relationship) and what we might get if we are too forthcoming (rejection) tempts us to pass ourselves off as people other than who we really are. We are afraid that, if we show our true selves, we won’t be liked, especially if we’ve been rejected previously for that reason. We are reluctant to be honest and transparent about who we are, since we are afraid that, if the truth about us comes out, any chance for a meaningful relationship might be doomed. 

Thus, dating is typically carried out on a stage in which the participants pretend to be people other than their true selves, to impress the other person and out of fear that if the “real me” comes to light, rejection will follow. This fear of rejection, as well as the role-playing that often accompanies it, leads to anxiety. Sooner or later, of course, the real me will come to light and we will become known, just as we will eventually see through any masks that the other person is wearing. (Fewer couples would have been nervous on their first date had they known then what they subsequently learned about each other.) 

The game of appearances is phoniness that is part of the dating culture. It guarantees that, as long as this game is played, the relationship will be superficial and fail to be as meaningful as it should be. It also ensures that we will still have doubts about our self-worth, since as long as we are not honestly disclosing ourselves, the real me has not been accepted. It stymies our personal growth, since we are pretending to be persons other than ourselves. Indeed, to the extent that the “fake me” is accepted, we are tempted to hide our true selves. We avoid being honest because we are insecure.

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In view of the selfishness that permeates the dominant dating culture, how does dating as a social institution manage to function at all? At least a partial answer to this question lies in the fact that, in the world of dating, human worth is a relative commodity. People are not viewed as having intrinsic worth; rather, their worth is related to any one of a number of subjective factors, such as their looks, how popular they are, or how wealthy they are. A person is valued not so much for what is on the “inside” but rather for what is on the “outside” and what he or she has to offer (e.g., the extent to which that person can be used). Based largely on worldly, temporal values people construct, if you will, a social totem pole, in which some are ranked higher than others. Although the ranking itself may be somewhat subjective and the criteria behind it may not even be well defined or explicitly articulated, people nevertheless have a good idea of where they stand, without being told. Those near the bottom of the social totem pole are painfully aware of their position—and feel stuck there—while those at the top enjoy basking in their status.

A rule of dating, which is generally unspoken, is that you look for someone near your level on the social totem pole. For example, rich guys may date pretty girls, and social outcasts find other social outcasts, assuming they find anyone at all. People may be constantly wondering if they are close enough to someone else’s position on the social totem pole to be considered “worthy” of a date (“Am I good enough for that person?”) or alternatively, if they should set their sights higher (“Can I do better?”). We tend to seek out those whom we perceive to be near our level on the social totem pole: People too far below us are beneath our dignity, whereas people too far above us we dare not approach because that would be presumptuous. Our position on the social totem pole represents our worth or value in the social marketplace, which operates as an exchange, rather than to facilitate the gift of love. Thus, people typically fall in love with someone they think matches their own “worth.”

Occasionally it happens that two people at different ends of the social totem pole link up with each other, but the fact that such an occurrence is considered noteworthy underscores the extent to which our thinking is guided by such rankings. The headline “King Marries Pauper!” is surprising—not because the king got married but rather because of who he married. In a sense, dating is a sort of popularity contest in which those who are considered inferior are pushed aside or left out.

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What makes us tick? For most men, physical appearance is the most important consideration in looking for a girlfriend. Sex is an important goal of many if not most men, especially those who like to think of themselves as young and vigorous. So for them, dating is a means to this end, even though this is generally not stated explicitly. A desire for companionship, while not unimportant, is not what is foremost in their mind.

Women are less likely to be driven by base instincts, and so it might be tempting to think of them as good and men as bad. However, when we speak of human nature, we implicitly acknowledge that both men and women are imperfect and capable of doing bad things, that neither gender has a monopoly on vice. A woman is more apt to approach the dating game wanting to have an emotional or psychological need met. She may want a man to make her feel wanted or important, but might be less interested in him as a person than in being entertained, in enjoying the feelings that come from being desired, or in finding satisfaction in having a relationship. A woman may long for romance, but if she idolizes it, she may want a boyfriend so that she can feel good later about her conquest—to feel a sense of empowerment that comes from the thrill of the chase. The crassest stereotype concerning men, women, and romance is that it is all about money in exchange for sex, a notion that is reinforced whenever the rich and beautiful agree to a prenuptial agreement, in which terms of divorce are agreed to prior to the marriage.

So either party in a relationship is capable of manipulating the other. Genuine love and friendship are in short supply as this reciprocal manipulation plays out; rather, they are continually confused with sex and selfishness.  

Selfishness in the dominant dating culture most clearly manifests itself in the attitude that human relationships, and by implication people themselves, are disposable. Some people get tired of a relationship and simply walk away from it, leaving their former partner behind like a discarded item. Some use people for the purpose of emotional gratification, for example, leading someone on until he or she makes himself or herself emotionally vulnerable, and then, after having made the conquest, dropping that relationship before moving onto the next pursuit. Sometimes those who are already spoken for play the game of indicating a romantic interest in someone else in the hopes that it is reciprocated, just to bolster their ego.

There are expressions that describe these rather prevalent sorts of behaviors, such as “use them and lose them” and “love them and leave them.”  They amount to saying that people are not really people anymore, but rather are objects that have worth only to the extent they can be used, and when they are no longer useful, they are to be discarded. The attitude that people are disposable—that if they don’t serve my needs at a particular moment or interfere with what I want, I am justified in discarding them—exalts the desires of self above the needs of others. We live in a society in which seemingly everything has become disposable—and where people have correspondingly short attention spans.

Anyone who has spent much time in the secular dating scene usually comes to discover that much of what goes on there is not based on love or friendship. Everyone seems to realize deep down that this is the case, but much of what transpires in that culture is either too embarrassing or uncomfortable to talk about. So I’d like to give a voice to certain unspoken attitudes by calling them out:   

-People exploit others, whom they view simply as objects of their desire. Men have a reputation for pursuing sex, whereas many women are driven by the desire to be in a relationship. However, like any “object,” if a person at some point no longer suits our purposes and thus is no longer desired, that person is likely to be disposed of—“use and discard” it’s been called.

-Based largely on worldly, temporal values people construct a social totem pole, in which some people are ranked higher than others. Those near the bottom are painfully aware of their position—and feel stuck there—while those at the top enjoy basking in their status.  A generally unspoken rule of dating is that you look for someone near your level on the social totem pole.

-The gap between what we want (a relationship) and what we might get if we are too forthcoming (rejection) tempts us to pass ourselves off as something other than our true selves. The game of appearances is phoniness that is part of the dating culture.

-We are likely preoccupied, not with something we can give but rather with something we want: a significant other, a relationship, or a marriage partner. We feel tension, because on the outside we pretend to be loving people, but on the inside we are something else. We shop around, looking at the “produce” and asking ourselves: “Does it measure up to what I want?” 

Selfishness, anyone? 

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First, I’d like to say a short word about my upcoming book, which is titled Disposable: When Dating is Not Loving Your Neighbor.

In contrast to the typical book on this subject, mine is not so much about how to get a relationship (or even improve one), but rather about how to think about culture and then act accordingly: Its focus is understanding the dominant dating culture and its origins, contrasting its dealings with what it means to love God and our neighbor, and encouraging everyone to build relationships—romantic ones included—on the basis of friendship. It is complementary to those books that emphasize moral purity: While my book does advocate that, it goes deeper and elucidates the tension that exists between the dominant dating culture and the great commandments, in the expectation that such an understanding will more naturally lead to right and sensible choices. Thus, it will appeal to those who are frustrated with the dominant dating culture and are looking for something other than a set of rules or guidelines by which to live, but instead would like a deeper understanding of culture and how Christian belief can guide our response to it.

I’ll have much more to say about these topics in the coming weeks.

 

Tired of the dominant dating culture?   (You know, where people are considered disposable.)

You probably have more company than you realize.