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We may find it easy to reject, on moral grounds, the promiscuity that has become pervasive in the dominant dating culture. But what about the consumer-related aspects of dating: shopping around for a significant other, assigning worth to other people, and discarding someone when it suits us? Here perhaps we are more tentative, both in our assessment of the culture and in how we choose to conduct ourselves.

Unfortunately, we are more influenced by the prevailing culture than we realize. If everyone around us embraces a certain belief, we are more likely to accept it uncritically. Likewise, if those around us accept a certain kind of behavior as normal, we are inclined to do so as well. Small wonder, then, that the dominant dating culture is taken by most people who grow up with it to be a given—a cultural norm that for better or worse is “just the way things are.” Even some Christians are inclined to believe that Christianity does not apply to this area of life. Rather, it is just assumed that dating is the thing to do and besides: “If I don’t participate, won’t I be ridiculed or left out?”

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The me-centeredness of Western culture, particularly with respect to sexual matters, is a reflection of immaturity; a truly mature person is an outward-looking one who desires to become more loving and more giving, not one who is focused on what he or she can get. Given that the mindset of most is self-serving, though, it is not surprising that the dating culture is predominantly one that is contrived and artificial, with the players being manipulative and deceitful. The fact that this behavior has been largely accepted by Western society as the way that men and women should relate to each other—as normative—is an indication of how alienated from God its thinking has become.

Those who cherish virtues, such as honesty and unconditional love, will not feel at home in the dominant dating culture, even if they cannot precisely pinpoint the reason for their unease. Indeed, it is impossible for the virtuous person to be happy about putting his or her interests ahead of others’.

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Our society’s pursuit of selfishness has led to much brokenness, leaving us with a culture in which it is all the more difficult to experience loving relationships. As relationships have become more privatized, more selfish, and less family-oriented, marriages are not doing so well and divorce has become common. Dating as it is commonly practiced is a bad proving ground for marriage, and the problems that characterize our dating relationships will carry over into our marriages. The converse, however, is also true: The good habits we practice in relationships before marriage will also manifest themselves in marriage and in all our relationships. Therein lies a tremendous opportunity—it is not an overstatement to say that to the extent we practice unconditional love in our premarital relationships, we chip away at the coarseness of society and change it and the marriage culture for the better.

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When wedding vows are exchanged, a man and a woman make a promise to each other. They promise to love and stay with each other “till death do us part,” for as long as they both are alive—this is the permanence of marriage. This is indeed a “big promise.” But any relationship is full of many “little promises” as well: “I promise to be there tomorrow to help you” and “You can count on me to do that.” A measure of someone’s ability to keep promises on an ongoing basis goes to the heart of what is meant by the words “dependable,” “reliable,” “trustworthy,” and “responsible.” It is not surprising that those who exhibit these attributes are much more likely to keep the big promise of staying married. These are not the attributes, however, that come to mind when one thinks of the typical dating relationship.

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Sometimes a romance is like sparklers, sometimes there might be fireworks. The wisdom of Benjamin Franklin is worth considering, who wrote in 1738:

“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”

(Poor Richard’s Almanack)

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The desire for romance is an integral part of human nature. The romantic impulse is a huge part of our lives—consider how it is used to sell practically everything. We long for someone to come along, reach inside of us, and quench some inner desire and show us that we are loved and appreciated. We want someone to be there for us who will be completely committed to us and will always meet our needs. But anyone we meet will just be human. At the deepest level, everyone wants a sense of acceptance, belonging, and security that can only be met by God, our Creator. The temptation is to believe that someone else can do for us what only God can. People want to be loved and accepted, but they make a mistake when relationships, sex, and marriage are used as proxies for the love that only God can provide them. 

Nevertheless, if the romantic impulse in us remains unsatisfied, it may gnaw away at us. By nature, we tend to focus on what we want but do not have, and this is especially true of romance. Romance is, by its nature, preoccupied with the here and now and tends to focus our attention on the temporal rather than what is eternal. Thus, we can easily find ourselves “chasing after love,” as if it were something that could be caught. 

True love between people, on the other hand, comes after much time. It grows, and love is ideally the soil in which romance lives. Love doesn’t just happen after one conversation, experience, date, or even after a marriage ceremony. Ironically, a preoccupation with romantic and sexual interests inhibits interpersonal growth and communication—prerequisites for a successful long-term relationship.

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Is it reasonable to expect that a truly loving relationship can grow out of one that is based on selfishness? While many things are possible, not everything is probable! A relationship that has its roots in selfishness does not have a good start and generally will lead to frustration, since true friendship and love may never materialize. It is small wonder, then, that many relationships (and even marriages!) begin and later end without the parties ever making friendship the center of their relationship. When we are motivated by selfishness, and self-indulgence of any kind is the goal rather than cherishing and loving another person, the relationship with that person suffers and the participants are impoverished or emotionally shipwrecked. For example, sexualizing romance leads to a lack of respect for the other person, which makes friendship and genuine affection even more difficult. Selfishness is ultimately self-defeating.  

A focus on oneself promises great rewards and fulfillment, but ironically leaves one less fulfilled in the end. It has been said that sin promises so much but delivers so little. Selfishness doesn’t lead to lasting satisfaction but rather to emptiness, and the longer it is practiced, the emptier, more broken, and less satisfied we become. 

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The contrast between the love of the dominant dating culture and the unconditional love called for in the Bible could not be starker. The one is self-centered, the other self-less. The one treats people as disposable, the other acknowledges that people have great worth (that they are worth saving, in fact) and are to be treated as neighbors. The one is preoccupied with immediate gratification (“Live for the moment!”), whereas the other is willing to make sacrifices, takes time, and is grounded in values that last. Imagine if God’s love for us were like our “love” for each other too often is: tentative, fickle, self-serving. Would there be a Good Friday and an Easter Sunday? 

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Even though love emanates from God and loving God is the greatest commandment, love doesn’t stop there. God expects us to live out our faith in the context of community, in relationships with other people. Within this faith community, this kingdom of love, we are brothers and sisters and share a certain kind of equality before God. This is not a place for rankings or for trying to get ahead. Moreover, since living out our lives in the context of community is God’s expectation for us, pursuing dating relationships to the exclusion of other relationships and friendships is neither Biblical nor healthy. Jesus said that people would know if we are his followers if we love each other (John 13:35). This is a challenge to those who call themselves Christians: that people would know that we are different by the way we treat each other, including those we date.