Anyone who has spent much time in the secular dating scene usually comes to discover that much of what goes on there is not based on love or friendship. Everyone seems to realize deep down that this is the case, but much of what transpires in that culture is either too embarrassing or uncomfortable to talk about. So I’d like to give a voice to certain unspoken attitudes by calling them out:   

-People exploit others, whom they view simply as objects of their desire. Men have a reputation for pursuing sex, whereas many women are driven by the desire to be in a relationship. However, like any “object,” if a person at some point no longer suits our purposes and thus is no longer desired, that person is likely to be disposed of—“use and discard” it’s been called.

-Based largely on worldly, temporal values people construct a social totem pole, in which some people are ranked higher than others. Those near the bottom are painfully aware of their position—and feel stuck there—while those at the top enjoy basking in their status.  A generally unspoken rule of dating is that you look for someone near your level on the social totem pole.

-The gap between what we want (a relationship) and what we might get if we are too forthcoming (rejection) tempts us to pass ourselves off as something other than our true selves. The game of appearances is phoniness that is part of the dating culture.

-We are likely preoccupied, not with something we can give but rather with something we want: a significant other, a relationship, or a marriage partner. We feel tension, because on the outside we pretend to be loving people, but on the inside we are something else. We shop around, looking at the “produce” and asking ourselves: “Does it measure up to what I want?” 

Selfishness, anyone? 

Photo from Pixabay

First, I’d like to say a short word about my upcoming book, which is titled Disposable: When Dating is Not Loving Your Neighbor.

In contrast to the typical book on this subject, mine is not so much about how to get a relationship (or even improve one), but rather about how to think about culture and then act accordingly: Its focus is understanding the dominant dating culture and its origins, contrasting its dealings with what it means to love God and our neighbor, and encouraging everyone to build relationships—romantic ones included—on the basis of friendship. It is complementary to those books that emphasize moral purity: While my book does advocate that, it goes deeper and elucidates the tension that exists between the dominant dating culture and the great commandments, in the expectation that such an understanding will more naturally lead to right and sensible choices. Thus, it will appeal to those who are frustrated with the dominant dating culture and are looking for something other than a set of rules or guidelines by which to live, but instead would like a deeper understanding of culture and how Christian belief can guide our response to it.

I’ll have much more to say about these topics in the coming weeks.

 

Tired of the dominant dating culture?   (You know, where people are considered disposable.)

You probably have more company than you realize.